"I'm a million different people from one day to the next"
So sings Richard Ashcroft of The Verve. And if this quote resonants with you, then you are not alone.
It's one of the most common things people describe when they first come to therapy — this sense of being inconsistent, unpredictable, even out of control. One day you feel calm and capable. The next you're anxious, withdrawn, or overwhelmed by something that wouldn't normally bother you.
It can be confusing. And it can trigger shame.
But here's the thing — there's a very good reason this happens. And understanding it can change everything.
Your Nervous System is Running the Show
Much of how we feel and behave on any given day is shaped not by our choices or our character, but by our nervous system — specifically, a part of it that operates largely below our conscious awareness called the Autonomic Nervous System.
This system regulates everything from your heart rate and digestion to how safe or unsafe the world feels to you at any given moment. It is always active, always scanning your environment, and always adapting — often without you having any say in it.
When we don't understand this, we can easily interpret our own shifting states as weakness, instability or failure. In reality, our nervous system is simply doing what it was designed to do.
Polyvagal Theory — A New Way to Understand Yourself
Developed by neuroscientist Dr Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory offers a remarkably clear and compassionate framework for understanding why we feel and behave the way we do.
The theory suggests that our nervous system operates across three distinct states. We move between them constantly — sometimes in response to obvious triggers, and sometimes for reasons that aren't clear to us at all.
The Three States
1. The Ventral Vagal State — Thriving
This is the state most of us want to live in. When your nervous system is in Ventral Vagal, life feels manageable. You feel connected to yourself and others. You can see options, feel hope, think clearly and engage with the world around you with a sense of safety and ease.
This isn't about being happy all the time. Even difficult emotions — grief, sadness, frustration — can be felt and processed from this state. It's a state of being grounded.
2. The Sympathetic State — Fight or Flight
When your nervous system detects threat — real or perceived — it shifts into the Sympathetic state. This is the familiar fight-or-flight response. In everyday life, this state helps regulate your heart rate and energy levels. But in survival mode, it pulls you into anxiety, anger, panic, and restlessness.
In this state, the world can feel chaotic or unfriendly. Memory suffers. Relationships feel strained. You may feel like you have too much energy and nowhere to put it — or like you're constantly bracing for something.
3. The Dorsal Vagal State — Shutdown
When threat feels overwhelming and fight or flight doesn't seem possible, the nervous system can shift into a deeper, older response — the Dorsal Vagal state. This is a state of conservation and collapse.
In everyday life, this state helps with rest and digestion. In survival mode, it can feel like depression, dissociation, numbness, exhaustion, or a deep sense that the world is empty and you are lost. It's the state of "I just can't."
Why This Matters
One of the most powerful things about Polyvagal Theory is the compassion it invites.
When you understand that your nervous system is shifting between these states in response to cues of safety and danger — many of which are invisible to your conscious mind — you can begin to make sense of experiences that previously felt shameful or bewildering.
That day you couldn't get out of bed? Your Dorsal Vagal system was trying to protect you.
That moment you snapped at someone for no apparent reason? Your Sympathetic system had detected a threat.
That afternoon you felt unexpectedly calm and capable? Your Ventral Vagal system was online.
None of these states are character flaws. They are your nervous system doing its job.
Neuroception — Your Body's Invisible Safety Scanner
Polyvagal Theory introduces a concept called Neuroception — a word that describes how your nervous system takes in information about safety and danger without your conscious awareness.
This subconscious scanning system reads cues from three sources simultaneously: your body, your environment, and your connections with other people. It's always asking the same question: am I safe?
The important thing to understand is that Neuroception doesn't always get it right. If you grew up in an environment that was unpredictable, frightening or emotionally unsafe, your nervous system may have been trained to detect danger where there is none — and it may still be operating that way today.
This is why therapy can be so powerful. It's not just about talking. It's about helping your nervous system learn, over time, that safety is possible.
What Can You Do?
The first step is simply awareness. Beginning to notice which state you're in — rather than judging yourself for being in it — is itself a powerful shift.
You might try saying to yourself:
- "My Sympathetic state is telling me..." — when you feel anxious or irritable
- "My Dorsal state is letting me know..." — when you feel shut down or exhausted
- "My Ventral state is inviting me to..." — when you feel calm and connected
Another practice worth exploring is noticing glimmers — small, fleeting moments that bring a sense of calm, warmth or connection. A pet, a song, sunlight through a window, a kind text from a friend. These micro-moments of safety can gently nudge your nervous system toward regulation, one small step at a time.
You Are Not Broken
If you've spent years feeling at the mercy of your emotions — inconsistent, unpredictable, overwhelmed — Polyvagal Theory offers something genuinely valuable: an explanation that replaces shame with understanding.
Your nervous system is not broken. It is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe. The work of therapy is to help your nervous system learn that things are different now — that safety is available, and that you don't have to face it alone.
Lukas Wooller is a counsellor and psychotherapist based in Fitzroy, Melbourne, specialising in Emotion-Focused Therapy. He works with adults experiencing anxiety, depression, trauma and more. Sessions are available in person and via telehealth.
If this resonated with you, feel free to get in touch for a free 15-minute consultation.